11 Days to Go

I can't decide if 9/10 months is entirely too long, entirely too short, or just the right amount of time to grow a person. Today it's feeling too long. First, there is the misnomer of a nine month gestation period. Everyone knows a full term baby takes 40 weeks. Granted, I'm not so good at math but even I can convert weeks to months. Secondly, there is the fact that you get more uncomfortable as you go. I guess this makes sense but had we done this a month earlier, I would have missed the heat wave and swollen feet which now just seem to be mocking me. As if m body were saying, "that's what you get for saying "pregnancy is easy." And, "I'm not bothered by the heat. i love the summer." And, "I feel great." I am enjoying the special treatment. Pregnant ladies can get away with alot. We can lie around and ask other people to do things for us. We can park in "stork parking" spaces (which I've only taken advantage of once). We can forget things and cry "pregnancy brain." So, I guess it's not all bad.

And of course you do need the nine months to come up with a name. A nurse at my doctor's office was appalled that I have 2 weeks left and haven't entirely decided on a name. With an air of superiority, she was quick to point out that she had her children's names picked out way before she was even pregnant. Veronica and another name I didn't really like and can no longer remember. (Oops, pregnancy brain!) She has two girls and she is done but if, by some fateful action from God, she were to have another it would be Zachary Michael. After a failed attempt at sucking my blood through a needle and with another needle posed above my delicate veins, I told her Zachary was a lovely name. She went on an on listing various names and was not shy about those she liked and those she did not. Nor did she stop when she said, "I hate the name Andrew" and I said, "that's my nephew's name." She took that to mean it was ok to bash her own nephew's names. She has three Tylers which she hates. I didn't get into how three cousins in the same family all ended up with the same name but I wasn't about to ask. She pushed for names we were considering, trying, with the same subtlety of a pack of lions, to get me to give her some names. So I made some up: Hank, Buddy, Skip...I find people get offended when you don't really share the names you are considering. They say they can respect that but they say it as convincingly as telling someone their new awful haircut is "nice." (Or worse, the name you love is "interesting.")

It's as delicate a subject as giving advice. People have a seemingly intrinsic need to share advice about pregnancy, labor, delivery, parenthood...but without actually saying they are giving advice. It starts with the "Trust me, your going to want...you should...you must..." and then they catch themselves and backtrack. "Well, I'm not giving you advice. Everyone will want to give you advice. But I will tell you what worked for me/us..." But really, isn't that the same thing? You are telling me what worked for you with the understanding that if I'm smart, I'll do the same. Somewhere in all these books and magazines, there must be a chapter about what to say after you been through the trenches. "Never, never, never, try to give other new parents advice, simply tell them what worked for you." But why is giving advice so offensive? Having never been through it, I'll listen to any and all advice. If we're all clear that I may not follow any of it what's the harm in sharing helpful (or not so helpful) hints?

There are far greater things people should feel is offensive but don't. A short list:

• "How are you feeling? I was gassy. All the time. I couldn't stop passing gas."
• "I pushed and pushed for 12 hours. Finally after I had torn everything down there, they had to cut the little one out. But it was all worth it."
• "Do you have some nursing pads. I remember once, I leaked at work and had to spend the whole day with my coat on."
• "I was 5 centimeters dilated for two weeks. What you really have to wait for is the bloody show."

Giving me advice and me not sharing a name are offensive but telling me about leaking bodily fluids and intimate bodily functions is ok? I think someone needs to write a better pregnancy/new parenthood book.