The Trailing Spouse

There is a phrase that is common among the "ex-pat" crowd for people like me: "the trailing spouse." People who have come to live abroad trailing their spouses who hold a job. Since I've been running with the OWC crowd, I've met more than a few women (primarily) that take offense to this title. They scoff at the idea that they are just tagging along and assert that they have the burden of organizing the "house staff" and taking care of day-to-day chores. Without them, their spouses would not be able to live and work abroad. They like to call themselves the "leading spouse." The first time I heard this, I remember thinking these women needed to relax. The fact is (for most of us), it's true. And is that so bad, that you are taking advantage of a great opportunity? But today, I met a woman who has been in Bangalore for about 6 months but has just joined the OWC because she was working. She is still working but her hours are more flexible now. At one point, she referred to me as the "trailing spouse." I don't remember exactly what we were talking about because I was immediately put off by it and stopped listening. And since then, what I've been realizing is that I am becoming one of those how-dare-you-call-me-a- trailing-spouse (and no, I am NOT being defensive about it) women. And I'm not sure I like it.

I should also note though that the Overseas Women's Club has been a huge help - for very practical purposes but also for morale. Our experiences since moving to India, as crazy as they have seemed, have been quite common. So I mean no disrespect but I can feel it happening. I am becoming one of those women. I'm now helping out with the Christmas Bizarre. It sounds so...Carol Brady. Heather (who reminds me of the girl from Grease) somehow talked me into saying I would help with the Lighting and Sound Committee. She really wanted me to be the Santa Village Committee Coordinator. All I would have to do is to find some photographers and coordinate a schedule for them and the Santas (which she already has volunteers for so it'll be easy!). I'm sorry, but I can't even coordinate the same maid-boy to come on a regular basis. (Yet somehow I think I can do solid work with lightening and sound? I just hope I don't reduce her to tears when no one can hear the Christmas Bizarre auctioneer or see the 10,000 sparkling Christmas lights.)

Still, I am becoming one of those women. I call my driver in the morning to take me to a social gathering for coffee, where maybe I'll meet up with some people who would like to go out to lunch while, he (my driver), waits in the parking garage. And after that, maybe he could take me to a few stores so I can buy something for the house or a silk scarf for tomorrow's happy hour (he'll help carry my bags if necessary). Oh, and if I don't get around to it (or don't feel like it), I'll just hand the dry cleaning to him and ask him to take care of it. On the one hand, what's not to like about a day like that? But on the other hand, really, who do I think I am? Next thing you know, I'll be going for my weekly manicures and massage.

I don't really want to be this purposeless, trailing spouse. But I also don't really want to work. And I don't really want to be the Valentine's Day Cupid Coordinator. But then again, I don't want to be a snobby, ungrateful ex-pat either.

So, as I sit, waiting for my maid-boy(s) to show up. And for someone to come take our dryer and water cooler out of their boxes and maybe, just maybe, install them, I am thinking about my purpose here. Even though you've all been reading the blog, will you still buy the book if it comes out? When I write things like, guess who is organizing the Easter egg hunt...will you comment and tell me maybe my time is better spent helping the kids without shoes and diapers that I pass every day? When I complain that Chandan made me wait for 5 whole minutes in the sun, leaving me susceptible to the beggars and maybe we should find better help...will you remind me I have a driver?

There are other women though, that I have found, like Vivian and Vanessa and Kala (which I was mispronouncing Karla) and this other women I met today Adelle (I think) that are about my age, no kids, no jobs and just happy to be experiencing something different and trying to really appreciate it. So I think if I just keep hanging out with them, I won't mind being considered the trailing spouse.

Besides, I also have to pull my weight as a travel agent. We booked our flights to the Taj Mahal yesterday. George has to be in Delhi for a meeting on Friday, Oct. 12 so I'm going to trail him and meet him there later. Then we'll drive out to Agra on Sat. and come back to Bangalore on Sunday.

We couldn't get tickets to the big cricket match this Saturday against Australia. I think their big win on Monday didn't help our cause. Instead, Vivian has invited to a dumpling party on Saturday. She's going to teach us how to make traditional Chinese dumplings. She's invited about 30 people - in a little apartment like ours. But she's quite the cook. Last night, before we went off to yoga, she brought down some chicken and potatoes for George. She's making me look bad so I told her she'll have to start giving me lessons.

It's nearly 6pm. I don't think my maid-boy is coming and I don't think my dryer and water cooler are moving today.